Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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