i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
