haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
