I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
