the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
