you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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