that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
