Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
