Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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