so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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