I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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