Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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