I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
