I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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