Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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