You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
why is half of my head shaved?
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