I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize