Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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