When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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