I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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