This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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