I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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