I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
