I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
