pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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