I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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