ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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