Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
