The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
so much tequila, so little girl.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
