i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize