I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
