you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize