I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
