i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
