how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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