I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
