i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Im part way to drunk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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