dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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