Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
