you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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