I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Found your dick twin last night
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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