My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
