puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
