just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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