If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
