11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
