Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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