my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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