The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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