He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
