I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
