Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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