I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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