She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
