one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
