Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize