The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
