we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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