Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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