yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize