She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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