finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
