Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
