I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
