my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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