Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
