I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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